Tent Etiquette
by Lystric
Summary: Strong, independent orc meets delicate, metrosexual blood elf. Some don't understand the rules of the tent. Others just choose to ignore them, especially when there's lava coming to ruin an amazing hair day. Rated T for language. Drabbles.


**A/N: This took less than an hour to write. It's going to be the first of a series of oneshots that result from a few random thoughts that I thought would be fun to write. It's all for practice, I swear. By the way, it's probably really horrible. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own WoW. If I did, Varian's model would be naked and his dick would be bigger than his chin.**

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><p>The air was thick with the pungent scent of smoke and havoc. Cries of terror and anguish, at that moment, where so loud, they could have roused the dead.<p>

Fortunately, some travellers with more than half a wit were clever enough to enchant their possessions with fire-resistant incantations before heading into the Burning Steppes. One such traveller saw it fit to include 'tent' on the 'to be made fireproof' list before departing.

And so, Greduris Darkwolf sat inside her tent, one that could endure a volcanic eruption, such as the one presently taking place a few feet away. As long as it didn't rain, her pop-up shelter would survive the night.

She decided there was no use in being confined in her little shack for ages until it was safe enough to leave, doing nothing. She had previously skinned and tanned warg hides and had cooked their meat. Every article she had collected for the lazy natives were already returned, and her herb bag was filled with numerous foliage. There was nothing left for her to do besides sleep it out.

No more than three minutes after unrolling her fur blanket and shutting her eyes, she was awoken by the screams of a woman. Greduris grumbled, rolling over and hiding her sensitive ears with a straw pillow. She had been contemplating eating some blossoms that would knock her out before the zipper of her tent was opened and a figure dived in.

"What the-" She bellowed, grabbing for her club before she was tackled back onto the ground. Though it was dim in the small space, she could tell it was a blood elf. From the size and the hair, and the shrieking, she realized it was a woman.

"The fuck do you think yer doin' in my tent, lady?" Instantaneously, the woman stopped her vocalization and stilled.

"Lady?" The elf shot back, disgust unmistakable in her expression. "I am no lady!"

Oops. The orcish woman had, once again, mistaken a boy elf for a lady elf. In the dark, her eyes (and particularly her ears), were so sure that the figure had been female. "Yeah, well if ya'd stop screamin' like a chick, I'd wouldn't have to think yer a lady," she grunted, tossing the man off of her. "Now get the fuck outta my tent before I beat the shit outta ya."

The staggered gasp that came after the sound of the body being thrown at the fabric walls would have made her snigger, if she wasn't already pissed to the point her temperature had risen by a few degrees. The man rolled into a seated position, but didn't move.

"Did ya hear me, twinkle toes? Out!" Still, he remained where he was, sniffling and tipping his head up.

"No," was all he said.

"No?" She repeated. One brisk nod. He then hauled out an enchanted hand mirror from his disheveled robes and began fixing his raven locks as he gazed at the reflection in the floating mirror.

_Unbelievable!_ she fumed to herself, grinding her teeth so hard that she was surprised her little tusks didn't break off.

"I'm not quite sure that you're aware of what's going on outside this tent, but it's not good. And thus, I'm afraid to inform you, I am unable to leave for the time being."

He spoke to her as if she was a measly peasant and he a disgruntled royal. From the appearance of his fine clothes and the manicured fingers combing delicately through his gleaming tresses, that may have been the truth.

"I don't give a fuck what's goin' on out there. This is _my_ tent, so I'm tellin' ya to get the fuck out before I _make_ ya." He then waved his hand at her, ignoring each word that left her mouth, as if he were dismissing her.

"Ah, green woman, no need for that sort of jargon. Be mindful of yourself, and while you're at it, be a dear and shut this tent before we are both roasted. I can smell that pungent whiff of lava and inbound doom from here."

Choosing to follow this elf boy's requests was perhaps one of the stupidest things she had ever done. Greduris crawled to the flap and began zipping it up. As she peered out, she observed the sea of lava that slowly inched its way towards the little green tent.

Inconspicuously peering to her right to look at the elf, she plotted: throw the elf out, shut the tent, claim you were sleeping and didn't hear the elf's screams as he was cooked to a crisp in lava. Perfect.

As if detecting her tactic, the elf sighed. "Whatever your plans for my demise are, I wish to remind you that I am of pure sin'dorei blood. My disappearance will be scrutinized and I can assure you, they will be more than capable of placing you here at the scene." She was fed up. She snapped. He screamed.

The mirror clattered to the ground and shattered, the shards digging into her knees as she crawled over to him and grabbed him by the neck. She squeezed. "Listen here, ya little shit. One more word outta ya, and ya_ will_ be goin' out there. Understood?" She didn't let go until he nodded. "Don't for a second think ya death will be important. Long as Garrosh's on the throne, no one gives a fuck if I'd kill ya or not."

And it was true. The Warchief's feigned ignorance to crimes that would typically lead to a death sentence were virtually always dismissed when the defendant was of orcish pedigree. Had the tables been flipped and she was found burned to ash with traces of long raven locks, well, the elf would more than likely be hunted down like a rat and killed with less mercy than one.

"I suppose you are correct, but I do once again wish to remind you of who I am. I am Obe Sunshield, one-third of the Paladin's Three. Even if your precious leader were to dismiss my death, the other two-thirds of my trio would spend the rest of their lives finding my killer. I don't wish to brag, but they are quite excellent when it comes to being detectives. Especially when one of their own, a fellow bloodbrother, is the one found suspiciously dead in a volcanic eruption."

"Well, Obe Sunshield, I'm Greduris Darkwolf, leader of the Fuck All Elves campaign, and I don't give a single fuck about ya and ya stupid band of fucktards," she snarled back, sitting back down on her pelt to make work of her knees.

The reddened skin was torn and bleeding. Slivers of glass stuck out in places, while others were deeply entrenched, out of sight. Sighing, she began removing the bits she could with her fingers.

Halfway through her task, the temperature within the tent seemed to skyrocket to extremes. Both orc and elf were covered in a thick sheen of sweat before the tent began rocking. Neither said a word.

The orc called forth a handful of ice water to evaporate into the air, cooling it slightly until it was at a tolerable heat. She was careful to not let the water touch the tent, lest she burn a hole through the enchantment and let the lava in.

As the lava continued to flow past the tent, her energy drained. "Why don't you stop the flow instead of conjuring water like a fountain?" Obe drawled, a thin eyebrow arched.

She sighed. "I'd need to be out there, ya idiot. I'd rather not die while ya sit in here all nice and cozy." He rolled his fel eyes, opting to lie down on the ground, back facing the perspiring orc.

"You smell," was all he said.

Minutes past and she was terrified she'd run out of mana. Her body was deteriorated by the persistence spells she was casting to keep them alive and she was getting nowhere.

"Hey, elfie, wake up," she whispered, an idea in her mind. He rolled back around and gave her a scowl. "What?" He shot back.

"Enchant me with one of them life shields. I'm gettin' weak and this lava ain't stoppin'," she huffed, casting one last splash of water into the air. It disappeared with a shimmer, sending a surge of cool air around the small space of the tent.

Obe shimmied backwards until their sides were touching. "Alright, but I advise you to close the tent straightaway. Even if you perish, I wish to remain intact." She smacked his knee as hard as she could before turning to him. "Get on with it."

He raised his hand and murmured a few words before she felt herself become entrapped in an airy bubble of glistening light. Greduris was aware that her time was limited, and began rushing to open the tent. Instantly, lava began pouring in, causing the elf to shriek.

She slipped out and closed the tent back up, glancing about madly. She was practically splashing through the molten lava. She would have to get onto higher ground to cool it down enough that it would harden.

Praying she had enough time, she began rushing to the nearest peak she could see, and was pleased to find that the lava had not yet reached the little cliff directly to her west. Hauling herself up onto the rocky surface in just enough time before the shield faded, she gathered her breath and her strength before standing.

She turned and looked down. Her tent was nearly entirely engulfed in lava. If she didn't hurry, her belongings (and the elf) would be trapped under what would soon be rock.

Willing the Earth Mother to help her, she chanted words while swaying her arms, gradually moving the lava around until the tent was nearly untouched by the molten liquid. Feeling faint and sweating profusely, she yelled one final command before blacking out.

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><p>Upon awakening, she was sure she was dead. She was on her back, squinting up at the bright sun. She felt detached from her body. It was not until a faint whistle moved towards her until it was right near her that Greduris came to the conclusion that she was somehow still alive.<p>

"And so the beast awakes," the unmistakable sound of Obe's voice chuckled, breaking the whistled tune. It was enough to send her to her feet. "I must say, you did a fantastic job."

Looking around, she noted that everything was enclosed in a hard coating of rock. Rock that she created.

Relieved, she sank back down to her knees. She yelped as the shards of glass she had forgotten about poked painfully into the delicate tissue of her kneecaps.

"Oh, right. I forgot about those," the elf muttered before casting a ray of light down to her legs. The shards of glass escaped her flesh, floating in midair before dropping to the ground. The rather shallow cuts knit themselves back together.

She looked up at him, noticing he had once again made up his hair in some form of intricate updo. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Thanks, elf. Now, I'd better get goin', I already wasted too much time here." She extended a hand, and Obe carefully took it. Greduris gave it one mighty shake before letting the grip fall. Her bags had already been packed, as well as the tent. She eyed him suspiciously before he chuckled.

"No worries, orc. I figured you did a great deed and deserved a bit of hospitality. You can send fifty gold coins to me later." He caught her fist in his hand before it had the chance of hitting his face. "I merely jest."

This time, he was the one to let their hands drop. "Anyways, here is a trinket that will allow you to contact me in a time of need. Or, perhaps, in a time when you are lonely and wish to speak with someone as handsome as I."

She let out a barking laugh and he joined in as she took the simple, enchanted necklace. It was a cheap copper cord with a small disc attached near the clip, stamped with the sin'dorei crest.

"Thank you, again," she muttered before ruffling his hair.

She had her bags in her hands and was already running south before he could retaliate. He watched her run, shaking his head. Orcs were strange, strange creatures.


End file.
